This weekend I had attended literally the best wedding I have ever been to. A very new friend of mine, who is also named Kell didn’t really have a choice in the matter as I had invited myself. After hearing the story of how her and her partner Toby met, I knew I needed to be witness to it. Thankfully Kell is very quirky like me, and jumped at the chance to have me along.
The wedding was exceptional in every way. You knew that the love these people shared was built on such mutual trust and dedication to one another. Theirs was not a commitment out of trying to control one another. This was a commitment to support one another in being the very best version of themselves they could be, even if that meant the relationship could not continue.
I suppose that is loving with no expectation for the other person to be anything other than who they are at that moment.
My instincts to be at this wedding proved very accurate. It highlighted the very thing in life that I needed to gain some awareness around. It showed me where I need to take some responsibility for how I contribute to the shortcomings of this. It also brought me closer to this woman who I now regard as a very special and very dear friend.
This wedding provoked so much emotion in me, seeing the reality of what I desire the most in life and being a very scary awakening to the fact that it actually does exist.
My story is not a nice one, and if we had all day, I would certainly share it but it’s too painful, too long and draining for this platform. Let’s just say, my life and my heart was broken very badly by a previous relationship.
This happened a very long time ago but it most certainly put me solidly on my path of inner peace and understanding self. As a result, I have developed a passion for internal travel. I love to see how I operate towards life and how tweaking beliefs and looking at situations in different ways helps to reframe the reality which I live in. It also means that I have a passion for knowing what makes others tick and what motivates them.
This sets the scene for some interesting internal dialogue and coming to the conclusion that I could potentially and very well may already be, bat shit crazy.
I kind of like this however and have learnt in the last little while to completely own my insanity and I wear it as a badge of honour. I like weird people, I like their honesty and complexity and I feel most happiest when I’m relating to people beyond the superficial layers.
I have some pretty strong opinions of love and relationships. Pretty arrogant considering I’ve had very limited experience of it and my experience was not the healthiest of situations. However, I have had an idea of what I would like and I haven’t wanted to compromise that version of my ideal relationship. I’ve met some men along the way that have been very beautiful, very wonderful men but it has not fit into the framework of what I am looking for.
This has caused a lot of pain and suffering for me as I have often questioned my own self worth based on the lack of my experience in intimate relationships. Have I been so broken and as a result become so complex that I have lost the ability to relate to someone in a romantic sense? Have I created an enigma or false idea and expectation that doesn’t actually exist? Have I done this as a way of keeping people at a distance? Never having to be responsible for opening up that side of me to be truly seen by another.
All of these things can become quite debilitating especially when the very base of who I am and how I operate in this world is via human connection. I’m an extremely loving, affectionate and passionate human being so the lack of my experience in expressing this side of me has come with it’s own personal limitations.
I came to the conclusion very recently that this ideal I had of romantic relationships was in fact, a load of shit. It is just another way our ego tells us we are not complete and we need something in our lives to fill it.
We all have a different expression of this very thing. A career, a baby, a financial state, a home, travel…. Anything really that we envision how success should look. This is made up of desires, fears, ideas, family, motivations, shortcomings, comparisons and so on. All very individual and all pointing towards the same thing, a lack of something within us that needs to be filled via something or someone else.
So here I was, feeling extremely liberated with my new found interpretation. The very thing that had aroused a lot of feelings of lack and worthlessness in my life, was now debunked. Now that I don’t believe this to be real, I was free from the shackles that bound me and kept me from just being.
Until this bloody wedding! It hit me like a cold, wet fish slap across the face. The liberation and pressure relief I experienced after concluding that my ideas were just a romantic fantasy have now been completely reversed.
Deep connection, deep respect and loyalty is absolutely real and available through a relationship. We don’t have to settle for mediocre relationships for fear that we will be alone or the other alternative, feeling that we have to be on our own.
What it takes to achieve this connection through a relationship doesn’t just come through luck or the desire to have it.
To experience this level of intimacy through another person, you can only and will only receive this when you have reached that place within yourself. You also have to be willing to receive it via something outside of yourself but not in spite of yourself.
This is mostly my limitations. I have for so long depended on just me, the idea of surrendering to something that could ultimately destroy me AGAIN, is something that would take such deep levels of trust in myself and the question is, do I feel like I’m capable of this.
Trust that even if I was crushed by a relationship again, I would not let it destroy me like I allowed it to in the past. Trust that if I was to step into a relationship again that I would know my worth and keep that sacred. Trust that the other person, like me, doesn’t have any intention to hurt me or betray me and simply wants me to be the best version of myself. Trust that I am strong enough to handle the level of insecurity and vulnerability that comes with allowing another into your life in this way. Trust that if you share yourself, it will be respected and honoured. Trust that I won’t compromise my needs for the other persons shortcomings or limitations.
All of this is well within my control and easy enough to do once I make the choice. This however opens up the question and ultimately reveals where the real fear lies: What about the part that is not in my control?
THE OTHER PERSON
What if they are unwilling to show me the deepest parts of themselves? What if they are afraid of being vulnerable and insecure with me? What if their walls are so high and so unwavering that the threat of being destroyed is not worth the gamble of me? What if it’s all just too hard for them and not worth the energy? What if they won’t “step up” and meet me in the place I need to be met?
The simple answer to this is, none of this is in my control. If I try to control this element it will mean controlling the other persons free will and therefore void the very thing that I believe a relationship should be built on. Two complete individuals coming together to experience a life with one another.
I have had a few men in recent years, past lovers or attractions that have since professed their love for me. You would think this was wonderful to experience but it only builds into the frustration more. All of these situations came with moments of relief but also the deep frustration as each and every one of these men were not willing to take that step to do anything about it. In every instance it has been fear that has kept this at bay. The common theme in each of these situations were:
Fear of losing themselves (My Fear)
Fear of letting another person in (My Fear)
Fear of losing control (My Fear)
Fear of having something and then losing it (My Fear)
Fear of not being enough (My Fear)
All my fears ultimately being played right back at me!!
As the old saying goes, feel the fear and do it anyway. When you are faced with the willingness to step up and take the plunge, you have to do it no matter what the outcome. You have to do it in spite of all these things. And if you find the other person is not willing to jump with you, you have to just jump anyway. Your resistance is simply you choosing the fear.
This incredible wedding has done the impeccable task of showing me exactly what I ultimately want, a very alarming awakening to where in my life I am resisting and the fear and terror that comes with admitting all of this is ultimately my choice.
Seems pretty simple right………