Fear is simply a state of being. It holds no relevance or power if you decide that it won’t define you.
Fear is usually an excellent window for you to see EXACTLY who you are! The way we respond to fear, the way we approach fear says more about who we really are in that moment than the fear itself.
The lengths we go to in order to avoid fear is pretty incredible. We are such complex structures as human beings and way more creative than we give ourselves credit for.
I adore reflection of life. It feeds me, it empowers me and it fascinates me. I am constantly blown away with different situations and how I respond and react to them. It gives me an excellent navigational tool in understanding where I’m holding myself back in life and what really matters to me.
We are all so creative and do a phenomenal dance with ourselves disguising what we’re really afraid of.
So the realisation I have here is: If I can do an incredible job of disguising my fears, once I’ve seen what that fear is, I can do an incredible job of facing it!
I do this by letting the fear have the mic. I sit with it and have a conversation with it. I do this, and all of a sudden, the fear feels the love, the fear is finally heard.
Fear for so long has been screaming at you to listen but you’ve ignored it. What fear does then, is it drops it’s shield and it reveals the love and safety that is on the other side of it. It reveals the pathway to give you all the the things that you ultimately want in life.
As all good awakenings occur, it is always on the backend of a situation that has played out. This current awakening has been set up for a while now and the last month has gently guided me towards shining a light on the truth of what I had been so cleverly disguising and avoiding.
I bumped into a friend yesterday while I was at breakfast. He stopped to say g’day and we went through the usual pleasantries. I’ve always liked this guy, he’s the cool kid around town, super chilled and a very open minded person. We’ve always gotten along well and it’s always a joy to see him.
He made comment of this blog and it instantly shocked me that he had read it. I guess I’m in this little bubble thinking that only the people that I want to read it are reading it. I have not considered that there are people that have read my words that I actually don’t want reading them.
The reason I didn’t want him reading them, is because he’s the cool kid in town and I’ve always tried to control his perception of me as being just as cool as he is. The reality of this is, it’s what I’ve hoped people would think of me my whole life. So much so that I have played that role and made damn sure no-one had a chance to see that it’s not who I really am.
The reality is, I’m a super sensitive, frightened little girl who just wants people to love and accept her.
This all comes down to
Control of what I want people to see about me, and how they view me. My reaction to this guy telling me he read it sent me into a tailspin of insecurity and judgment. I completely flew into justification of why I was doing it as a way to dismiss my insecurity. Ultimately I didn’t want him or anyone thinking I was that self indulgent to try and do the whole social media validation thing.
Shit, I guess I’m ready to explain why I am doing this blog. This is actually really hard for me to share and I’m surprising myself as the words are starting to reveal themselves in front of me. I find myself squirming in my chair, crying and getting mad at myself for not knowing if I should say it or not. Am I afraid to say it? Or am I justifying myself on another level?
The fear is that I’m actually doing this blog for the purpose of blogging. When I acknowledge that fear, and talk to this, it exposes another level of fear that is actually the core of why I am doing what I am doing.
I sit here, in my undies, on the couch with a CHOOSE KIND shirt on and this illustrates beautifully what I’m trying to achieve.
Being raw, exposing myself and just wanting to choose kind.
Kindness to myself first and foremost.
Hoping that kindness to myself will shine through and build momentum.
The hope that by being this version of myself, I’m stepping out into the world and the world will see me and show me kindness back.
The hope that people will see that all I am trying to do is simply, help others be kind to themselves.
Just the hope that I offer some form of inspiration for change to a persons life because, I have felt the calling and as much as it scares me and as much as I feel I’m not worthy of it, I’m just doing my best to be truthful with what’s in front of me and what I feel.
I want to show you me, all of me, the warts, the complexities, the insecurities, the “FULL ON SHIT” that confronts people, that confronts me. I allow that people may roll their eyes and think I’m a fuckhead, I’ll allow that people will pity me and think I’m crazy, I’ll allow that some just won’t get it. I’ll allow that I will beat myself up over this because I’ve opened myself up to potential ridicule. But I will keep going because there is one person out there, another version of me that felt so lost for so many years. She didn’t know who she was and she was so riddled with pain and crippled with fear.
So, I’m doing it for that person who will read this, understand it, and be grateful that someone was honest with them. Be grateful that Kellie Peta Nealon dismantled the protected version of herself she spent so many years trying to convince others was her.
I’m doing this to give that person the light they are looking for. I’m doing it to give me the light I’m looking for.
That’s it….. Me in my undies, feeling fat, feeling like a dickhead, cringing at myself and feeling waves of insecurity. But in this place, I choose kind! I choose me!