Relationships are the area of life that fascinate me the most. How we relate to other people I believe is the most important factor. It’s ultimately what we are here to experience in our lifetime.
Two experiences lately have completely ignited my awareness to how I have been approaching this area of my life, very badly. I can see through the reflections of these two very differing experiences where my shortcomings have been and why I want so badly to change it. This should provide some juicy reading because both of these are romantic experiences.
I find that people approach relationships in very different ways but all communicating the same thing. People that are desperate to love and to be loved in the deepest way possible. How we express our desires to the outside world and to ourselves are mostly disguised with some pretty creative behaviours.
We have on one hand the person that just needs to be in a relationship no matter what. They will commit to anyone who fills the superficial needs that they can manage to get by with. I do see a lot of really unhappy people, in loveless relationships because they do not want to be on their own. Rather than wait for someone to meet every level of their needs and more, they instead settle for someone who will simply fill a minor portion.
Then there is the one that just cannot commit (yours truly). They have so many walls and guards surrounding them that it makes it near impossible to meet someone strong enough to not just want to, but actually can break down those walls. Where they feel their behaviours are completely justified, unfortunately it comes across as aggressive and off putting.
And then we have the person with multiple partners. These people are just as desperate for that deep level connection but they are filling their lives with a little of column A and a little of column B. So great is their desire and so thick are their walls, they need a vast amount of small, meaningless expressions to “release the pressure valve”.
Usually this latter experience will see men grabbing at anything to release this desire in them, discarding the woman once this need was superficially met and women hoping if she meets the superficial needs in a man, he will turn into the first scenario.
None of these experiences are ever going to fulfill that fundamental purpose of “relating” to our chosen soul partner. That purpose to reach the most expansive level of love and intimacy which allows us to see the complete depths of our soul and capability.
My recent experiences offered me a reflection of firstly where I was currently relating from, and the awareness that it was no longer good enough for me. The second offered me a reflection of what I was capable of and an incentive to stay open to this way from now on.
Let’s, for the sake of ease for this story label the first man, Mr Hurt. The second man will be known simply as, King.
Mr Hurt was nice enough. Highly intelligent and very witty. His confidence was what got me over the line but I soon could see that this confidence did not translate to the way he related to women.
What was obvious about Mr Hurt, he didn’t understand women and when he didn’t understand something, he would dive into the defensive. I think I probably got further than most women in relation to his walls of protection as I was able to articulate to him in a way he could understand, the enigma that is woman.
Mr Hurt, although capable of processing this in some areas, was really unable to then translate and understand his own feelings. Men do not have the same processing capabilities for emotion as women do. This is not a fault in their genetic makeup. Quite simply, the skills that create the incredible structure that is man, has not left a lot of space to understand the thing that primarily drives a woman, emotion.
Mr Hurt and men in general are not void of this ability however, most have not built the muscles to understand it. As a result, Mr Hurt’s ego which thrived on knowing everything, could not understand this part in others and especially within himself. This raised a deep level of insecurity for him and rather than be vulnerable and seek understanding, his response was instead, volatile. He turned his projection on to me and tried to bring me down to his level.
I think the exact statement he made was “you don’t know how to keep a man interested”. Not the thing you want to hear when you are just about to have sex with someone.
What this did for me, was immediately push me away and create an experience that left me pitying him. I’m sure, with the level of ego this dude had, the last thing he would want is a woman to pity him. To me, he was a little boy that couldn’t let anyone know he was confused.
A woman of lesser confidence would have completely shut down and been devastated by this. I could see very easily however that this was in no way a reflection of me. This was his shortcoming and things that he hadn’t worked on himself. What it did show me however is that I had a choice. I could let this shut me down and keep those walls up nice and high. But where would that leave me? I would be no different to Mr Hurt.
What I could see from this experience was a clear pathway to how a closed and defensive nature makes another person relate to you. It makes others closed off to you and it is a complete turnoff. I simply do not want people to think of me this way so Mr Hurt, thank-you for showing me what I don’t want to be anymore.
What this also did for me was realise my own strength. Anyone that can live through an experience of saying such a thing to a woman in such a vulnerable physical and emotional space whilst still holding on to his balls, has quite simply been in the presence of a damn goddess.
Consequently, I have decided that being a strong and confident woman doesn’t void you of these negative experiences, they simply don’t define you. Had this happened a few years ago, this would have not been the same outcome. I would have used it as further confirmation that people are out to hurt you and ensured my walls stayed up nice and high. Instead, this has promoted a stronger desire in me to knock down these self imposed walls of protection. The simple reason being, I don’t want to be anything like Mr Hurt anymore.
So what of the second experience? Well this one was a long time coming and deserves its own spotlight. You will have to stay tuned.