So much of me is resisting writing the next instalment of my two part series. It was very easy for me to write the parts that aren’t the greatest to experience but writing something that was super special and remains that way fills me with so much reservation. As I ponder this now, I realise that it’s a common thread with how I live my life. Far more willing to focus on the suffering and the struggles versus celebrating the beautiful experiences that are meant to be enjoyed.
Maybe this is my catholic upbringing, all the focus given to the suffering of all things and not a hell of a lot celebrating life itself. As I write this, I understand that it is exactly how I operate. I give so much consideration, understanding and acceptance of the shitty things that have happened for me but I actually rarely embrace, accept and communicate the wonderful things.
Fuck it, this stops for me now. I’m going to write this next part, completely unadulterated and open as this was the exact experience I had.
I shared an incredible weekend with a man that completely opened my eyes and my heart to the beautiful parts that life has to offer, the beautiful parts of me that I have kept at bay for way too long to consider. This experience has made me realise the times in life that I have had these moments presented to me but my fear and my protection ensured that I couldn’t open fully to what it represented.
I have previously operated from such fear based behaviour and they played out in different ways. Like Mr Hurt from part 1, I was always expecting the other person to break down these walls, show me what they stood for and prove to me that they were worthy versus actually dropping all of my shit and just experiencing a moment with them.
When my heart had been opened in the past, I needed for that opening to be attached to something tangible so I could justify it was worth the threat of pain and suffering. Here I was, holding pain and suffering on a pedestal and making sure that only someone of great worth could contribute to the pain I associated with an open heart.
I’m literally writing this with my mouth wide open and shaking my head thinking, how the hell can I, a woman of what I consider a pretty high level of emotional intelligence have been walking the earth with this really twisted and backward mentality? Thanks Mum and Dad because I don’t believe I licked it off a stone.
This man, lives his life truly appreciating and celebrating the best that it has to offer. When I was with him, this outlook he had was so infectious I did what I have been avoiding doing for a really long time. I literally just dropped in to the experience and embraced every single part of him and myself. I refused to let the reality that this situation probably couldn’t ever be more than it was right now impact the incredible moments that it was.
The more I did that, the better it was. I got to experience parts of me that had been hidden my entire life. For the very first time, I felt so safe and trusting of another human being. I was affectionate, I was open, I was feminine, I was emotional, I was completely me and this incredible man accepted and embraced every single part of me.
He didn’t stop me or shut down when I went into my deep Kellie phase, scratching the corners of every single thought trying to extrapolate the deeper meanings of life.
He didn’t stop me or shut down when I went into my emotional Kellie phase, getting ultra vulnerable and instead, he told me how beautiful it was and not to change that part of myself. Where men before have freaked out with this part of me, the King just literally took it in his stride.
He didn’t stop me or shut down when I went into my affectionate Kellie phase. The very part of me that I had shut down a long time ago when a closed hearted ex had told me I show too much affection and to stop.
He literally took it all in his stride. And when he did, he was simply accepting who I was and in the same breath, showing me exactly who he was. A man of equal depth and questioning of the world around him. A man who had the confidence in all areas of life that I was only giving to the agreeable and safe parts of mine.
I’ve been so shit at romance. I’ve been operating so badly as Mr Hurt and have only opened my heart to something for a small period of time, quickly shutting it down if I didn’t receive the validation I was looking for. This whole situation made me realise that I have opened myself only momentarily before and each time it came with an expectation and a demand that someone be there to receive open hearted Kell. If they didn’t show me IMMEDIATELY and if they didn’t give me what I wanted, I would cut that shit in a hot second.
Man, I shake my head in disbelief as to how I was operating. Such a turn off, such a childish and bratty disposition. And I wonder why no-one has had the capacity to meet me on the levels I want to be met. Quite simply, I was not willing to keep myself open for just me. It had to attach it to something before I would allow the opening to be maintained.
To put it in other words, I was not willing to do for myself what I expected others to do for me. I was demanding a certain behaviour in others to show me first what I was unwilling to show myself, and therefore, show them.
This experience with this incredible man has opened me up to myself in such a way I was too scared to do before. He stepped into my life like a damn rockstar completely commanding the best part of me to step the hell up and celebrate life for the beautiful things that occur. To start giving them my attention irrespective if they are just moments.
A man like this knows how to hold space for a woman. He is the King of Queens and truly knows what it means to give to a woman. Hallelujah to that and Hallelujah to him.