Her body moved deep within itself. She knew others would be watching, but if she gave that a seconds more thought, she would be aware of herself and that was not what she wanted.
She wanted to be free, free from the self inflicted do’s and don’ts. In this place, she was the embodiment of what she worked towards. In this place, it was easier to achieve that state of mind. Was it the wine that allowed her the freedom or the music that spoke deep to her heart? Either way, in this place she gave herself permission to feel it and hear it. A world away from the thick walls she had built around her. She didn’t need them here because this was the place where she only knew her own power. This was the place she could exhale and forget it all. The pressures of the highest expectations of herself, and the reality of where she was not meeting them. Self inflicted of course. Many looked at her life with admiration. Such freedom, such excitement yet to her, she was bound by her own fears that she never allowed others to see.
A master of it all, the dark and the light. She only had herself to trust, to rely on and to hear. No-one else could speak her truth. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn’t know how to. It was a silent language that only someone who walked her path and saw her soul could translate. Only that person could know that he would never be able to speak it, but he could hear it and he could feel it. That was all he ever needed to do. No obstacles, no games, no doing. Just allowing and giving permission.
The music moved deep within her, the trance like state of bliss was only as good as the moment it came from. The second another tried to join her, the moment was lost. It would take another burst of persistence and commitment to build back into that space, and sometimes, that moment would be gone entirely.
With utter defeat, she retreated back to the observation deck. Back to witnessing life and wondering how she was ever going to contribute again. A long time had passed since she could understand the world as it existed around her, at least, understanding to some level. She had gone so deep, questioned so much, revealed so many illusions that she could no longer play in the old world of pretend.
She had found a place in the middle, one foot in each realm but there was a resistance to throw herself fully into the one that sang to her the loudest. The resistance was simply, loneliness. Already she felt the loneliness. A soul walking around aimlessly like a shadowy figure on a darkened night. Arms reaching out in front, desperate for some sort of familiarity to hold on to. Something to reassure her that she was at least walking in the right direction. The old world she felt so small. She had created that on purpose as a form of protection. When she was young, she was rejected so much for who she really was so she learnt to play the game. But the game was not giving the satisfaction it claimed to. All it was doing was making her feel more pain!
She had only recently came to the conclusion that all she had was the world she created. No assurance from anything that existed outside of her, for those were the very things that had tried to break her, to pull her under, to numb her and dissolve her. Everything in this world was bolder and seemingly stronger. It distracted her time and time again but still, she would take a glance at the alternative and although it was invisible to the eye, it spoke her language and she had to keep trusting that. She had to keep trusting herself.
The observation deck held a sense of confirmation for why she was getting ready to step into this new world. Not enough to live off but enough for a snack at least. All these moments offered a little nudge to the cliffs edge. The mindless activity spewing over itself. Egos as large as the glasses they drank from. Holding tight the sticky elixir that promises a momentary escape from a life given up on but the refusal to let go of.
She knew a part of her was acting out the same fate, just a more conscious level of it. Soon would come that time that she would need to let go of her own elixir that was allowing her painted escape.
Through the crowd, a glimpse of him. A face so full of character she didn’t even want to look again. A stubborn refusal of giving anyone the time anymore because why bother, it only ended the same way. She managed to block it this time but the crowds were supporting him. They moved whichever way he needed them to ensure his face was dominant. Sitting on his thrown he seemed to smirk at this command. She minimised him immediately as another version of the collective. That was something she knew couldn’t translate her words and she wasn’t going to fall for herself again. Fall for that naive part of her that wanted to play. She knew how it ended and she was bored with that game. Perhaps she was so hurt by it, but that was not an emotion she desired to allow entry into this character. This was where she owned the night. Even if it was only for this night.
Of course he made his way to the observation deck. Her refusal to play was short lived. He looked right past her almost teasing. She took the bait. The arrogance that cemented her in one world took over and played the role that they were looking for. Why she did it, was her own ego needing the escape. The part of her that hadn’t quite yet learned to sing fearlessly the song of her soul. The song that the King of men had ridiculed her for singing. The very thing that had dismantled her unstable foundations to begin with was still the thing she continued to play with now.
Maybe there was a part that wanted to prove she could conquer? Maybe she was still trying to gain the King’s acceptance and love. She was still looking in all of his mirrors for a fragment of him that she could win over. All the while, the pieces shattered the second she glanced in another reflection. None of them penetrating the thing she craved the most, the thing that needed to be released once and for all.
She let him in enough. Enough to allow a conversation to continue further. He told her of his own daughter and how he fought for her. She couldn’t even look at him when he spoke of her. A tinge of jealousy and the shame that quickly followed. Why not her, why had her King not fought for her, even when he didn’t have to? She decided that was all she needed to see. The night drew them away in different directions because no more could she let go.
One eye cracked open and the usual transmission of the night before downloaded into her current awareness. The breath behind her startled her as she knew it was not there when she went to sleep. He felt her startle and immediately reached for her. She froze for what seemed like an eternity uncertain of her next move but something about his touch stopped her from being hasty.
His touch was non threatening, it felt supportive and reassuring. This was such a different experience to what she had known before. She wanted to enjoy this moment, relish in the touch of someone that seemed content with just the curve of her hip toward the small of her back. It was like this for a long time. Nothing was spoken other then their breath in unison. His fingertips maintaining the respectful distance that showed her he simply wanted to share an experience with her.
She felt safe, safer than she had felt with anyone and this was surprising to her. She trusted herself to know what she felt and what she didn’t. Whenever she was unsure, she would seek clarification but this felt different. The safety was in his restraint. This showed a maturity and confidence that superseded a moment of pleasure. A man that could differentiate between conquering and enhancing. A strength that could only come from life experience and self awareness. Something she was still learning.
Her emotions gave way and she wasn’t letting anything stop it. She had worked so hard on freeing herself, even though she was still learning, she had mastered this step. She rolled over and whispered to him with a tear streaked face, “I just need to cry for a moment if that’s ok”.
“You’re such an emotional woman, it is so beautiful” was all he said as he scooped her up in his arms and held her. Tight enough to show her he was going nowhere but allowing her to still have her space. This was a man who knew what a woman needed and how to give it to her. This permitted a second release, one she didn’t need to hold back anymore, one that was leaving her body forever.
They spoke with honesty and depth, nothing was off limits. They would rise with ease to the surface of the water where the sun would shine and the waves would hold them. Laughing and playing on the waters edge they would mock the world in their secret language, right before diving back in to the depths once more each time trusting and holding the space for more truth of who they were.
This was what she had felt in her heart, this was why she had turned away from the rest. This was why nothing else lasted, because none of it was real enough to hold this space. With such ease he navigated with her through the crashing waves, never once showing a moment of hesitation. It felt fitting that he loved the ocean and needed to be within walking distance of it. In the places where life was real was where he felt his truth, and that meant in this moment with her.
The moments didn’t stop. They were suspended momentarily in preparation for what was coming. A chance for her to drop her disguise and acknowledge to the crowd what she wanted, and what pleased her.
She was nervous. Her stomach was rotating much to her annoyance. This meant she cared, and this meant it could hurt. But, she knew this didn’t come around all too often and it was worth the probable pain. What if? She thought. What if this was actually strong enough to build something from. Such shaky walls that most would overlook but to her, she built herself to be the strongest out of less than what this was so she knew nothing was impossible.
She walked in to where it all began, uncertain if he would still be hers. She wasn’t sure how to act or what to do. She was so mindful and respectful of others space and choice, that sometimes she forgot to allow herself to choose. Tonight was different. He had made her feel so brave and free that she wanted to claim him.
Through the crowd, a glimpse of him. A face so full of character she couldn’t take her eyes off him. An open heart ushering the change of a new way, knowing she only had little time and it was worth it, even if it ended the same way. This time she manoeuvred through the crowds and there he was. It actually pleased her. Standing in his glory, a man that inspired the collective and that was someone she knew could translate her words.
He met her and kissed her letting everyone know, she was his. Her legs weakened with the relief that this was not to be an awkward severing of intimate attachment. He was still holding space for her. She had shown him herself and he didn’t shut her out. This was new.
She was very aware of the floods of women that drew to the stage. It didn’t surprise her, if a man could penetrate her soul like he did, he was bound to have an effect on the superficial layers of any warm blooded woman. It’s like they knew he was safe. They knew instinctively that this was someone that loved women and he gave them permission to be all they could be.
This filled her with a sense of pride. She was able to experience with him what most couldn’t. She was able to be strong enough to receive what he had to give beyond the stage. She saw his worth and honoured that part of him before she knew he was this. Most just saw the man on stage, she saw the man in him.
The man on stage didn’t disappoint. She was mostly scared to look. Mindful that each portion she saw was another addition to her list. That list never felt like it could be ticked off. It was all the things that she held deep within her, the most important things in her life and she never thought that could be met. It never had before and he was smashing through them one by one. Renaming each of them after him, ensuring nothing less than him could fill this space again.
Music was her life. It was a special thing that she could turn to when she needed to heal, laugh, cry, feel and live. Her tastes were not to please anyone other than her and that was never compromised. She didn’t enjoy songs for the fashion, she didn’t enjoy them to fit in. She enjoyed the ones that she had to dig deep for, the ones that were hidden and forgotten. A time and a place that meant something more than it does now. A time when people were part of a revolution, telling the world, telling themselves that they wanted more than what was on offer. It was no longer good enough and they were creating to stand up against the status quo. These were the songs that beat along with her heart. The ones that changed the world, her world.
Here he was, standing on a stage, performing to these women, with the same passion and the same love that spoke to her heart. She could feel it, that was her gift. She knew when someone was delivering their soul to a moment and when someone was just playing a part. This was a soul speaking his truth and living the passion that he had awoken in himself. The passion that he awoke in her.
Their time was coming to an end. She was too content to let it sadden her. Distance would soon break the connection and she was uncertain what that meant for him. She knew for her, distance was a non event in the grand scheme of things. She knew people like this were so few and far between that although not ideal, was not something that would deter her. That was why she lived after all.
It didn’t feel right leaving the present moment to try and control the future. It felt like it would somehow dissolve the magic that was here and that was too precious. She just wanted to be in this moment, and remember this. Maybe this was all it could ever be and for that, she decided to make the most of it.
What was normally a woman of romantic containment and drip fed vulnerability turned to a woman of complete surrender, trust and desire. She let her truest self reach the surface. She dived into the unchartered terrain that was true intimacy with a man. She allowed herself to express her affections and adoration unapologetically and without fear. She played with how deep she could take it all the while checking to see if he was still there. And he was! Smiling, laughing, joking and playing with her. She played back and in that she found her groove. She found and reconnected with who she was through another.
She loved herself like this. So free, so relaxed. She felt beautiful, she felt adored and she felt seen. For the first time in her life she felt like someone wasn’t taking from her but was giving to her and that made her fierce.
It didn’t feel like goodbye. It felt like, I will see you really soon because we know that we can hear one another. What once felt like one soul walking around aimlessly finally felt like it found another. This was too fun, too rare and too special to release so easily.
It was quiet, but her body was thumping. It was feeling every heart beat and that was a very scary thing. Now she knew it existed, this changed it all. A heart that was opened now had nowhere to hide.
The training wheels had come off. He was holding her running behind her as she peddled her heart out. She was feeling safe because she knew he was holding her…….
And he let go. She was caught in the fear that she couldn’t do this. When her heart was opened before it nearly killed her. She gave it to someone before and he abused it. Now it was open again and she didn’t know what to do. What if she let the wrong person take it again. What’s worse, what if no-one wanted it.
She wanted it to be him. She wanted him to tell her he wanted to explore her heart and see if theirs could work together. She didn’t know if it could. She didn’t know what she was like in this place. It had been so long and she was so different now. She didn’t even know if she knew how to work her heart with another. But she was going to try.
The silence was not as deafening as she had feared. She knew that his space was not a reflection of her but a processing of his own awakenings. She knew that for her to have gone as deep as she did, it needed to be met equally by him. What was hard for her to compartmentalise was going to be just as challenging for him.
Her usual desire, to reach out for assurance was challenged by her desire to do differently. Stay open no matter what. Even if this was just a flash in the pan moment, never to be experienced again, stay open and hold this space for yourself. Meet yourself in this place. Trust yourself in this place. Don’t abandon yourself here. It is so terrifying, you feel so uncertain, you feel so alone but you hold true to who you are. That is all that matters that is all that is certain. Where you usually run and hide, scared of the unknown and scared of the threat to your open heart, you stay with it.
Her King from long ago didn’t show her a better way. He didn’t teach her what a little girl needed to get by. She was always so open hearted, this was how she lived as a standard. But she was beaten down for it. Bullied, cut-off, had love and that feeling of protection withdrawn because no-one knew what to do with her. She was too young to know what to do with herself, so she did was everyone else did. She shut herself down.
Now she knew, this had to be different. This couldn’t continue because it was only keeping her hidden. She was made of stronger stuff now and if it meant being alone for ever, it was ok with her. She had been living too long with her foot in two worlds. It wasn’t working anymore. She knew loneliness, a half life that she was living was already lonely so what was she afraid of. She was already living her fear.
She had a new reference point now. A man that could speak to her soul and that was enough to keep going. She was jumping in, diving into the world that sung to her the loudest. If he was there to meet her, well, that is the stuff songs are made of. If not, she would never forget him. He showed her a new King.
She took the last few steps she needed to have her toes reach the edge of the cliff. It was a long way down, it was a scary place to go. Would she fall or would she fly? She couldn’t know and this was the fear. But, she trusted. The world she was coming from had been exposed for its empty promises and illusionary structures. She had tried so hard to find that happiness. She had played by the rules, she had achieved what she was supposed to and it was still empty. Life said it would be great, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t because success in this world meant she couldn’t be who she really was. The truth in the matter is, she LOVED LOVE! She just had a taste of it and it was too exhilarating to deny anymore. What she had shied from her whole life for fear of being “too much”, she suddenly realised was the thing that made her so happy.
Her mind taunted her with fear and bribes but she could see right through the treachery. She didn’t care if this meant she was crazy, she would rather be crazy and love than pretend and feel empty. She plunged! It was so fast, she couldn’t even catch her breath. There was no going back and she didn’t care. She had tried the old way and it no longer made sense. She left it all behind and then she flew! She flew so high that it didn’t matter what she left behind. This was the feeling she craved! This was what she was chasing with the old world and it never felt like this.
The King didn’t jump with her! She knew when she jumped that this was the gamble. But it was crazy, she didn’t care! All of a sudden what she had worked so hard at chasing for most of her adult life, literally didn’t matter anymore. She didn’t care if she never had love from another outside of her, because she had plenty here to keep her fed for her entire lifetime. She laughed hysterically at the illusion she had created for herself. What she thought mattered the most, what she had felt was her failure, was none other than a trick! A master illusion that kept her from jumping. The point of it all was it was nothing! There was no thing, no one that could give her the feeling she was able to give to herself. And the best part is, no-one could take it from her. No-one could break her because there was nothing to break.
The illusions of the old world were now so obvious to her. They were so loud and she found them so amusing. What once used to taunt her, now she taunted. Now she found it easy to be “too much”. She loved being too much. She loved being emotional. She loved being herself. It felt like her body had been wrapped in the tightest of clothes her whole life and she was finally free from them. The fears that shackled her to the emptiness now became her best friends. The fears were the songs she loved, that guided her through the rocky terrain. She started to love them, to sing back to them and to listen intently for the echos that were now confirmations.
The pain she used to feel was now an invitation to love herself more. To see it this way allowed the minutiae of life which once used to torment her dissolve into nothing more than an “Isn’t that interesting”. It was the darnedest thing, loving herself more she could see how it transformed the people around her. She could see when she walked that people started noticing her. Where she used to jump up and down and scream to be noticed, suddenly all she had to do was put one foot in front of the other.
The world she avoided stepping fully into for fear of being alone, held it’s secrets well. The loneliness she thought was scary, turned out to be the most magical feeling. Loneliness was amazing. It was freeing, it was nurturing and it was fascinating. The elixir she let go of, the one that allowed her momentary escape gave her the power of eternal escape. An eternity where she was the Queen and the King all in one.