I have felt so disturbed the last few days. I know some of that contributing factor has been a few documentaries I have watched, Leaving Nerverland and Dirty John. Being disturbed has come from a number of things. A lot of this frightens me to say due to the backlash that can be received, hurting people that I love and turning people away from me because the truth is hard to hear. I only intend for the things that I write to open the space for healing and love. I truly mean that, with every fabric of myself. I never have horrible intentions when I write. I simply mean, to open our eyes and allow for the healing to take place. At the very core of it, healing can only come through when the truth has been revealed. Sometimes the truth is very hard to look at.
Healing is hard. It hurts! It hurts like a life you want to end. And those hurts, are the best candidate for abuse and being abused. The deeper the hurt, the easier to hurt. This works two fold, it works in the way that most hurt people, will only see life as hurting them, and the most hurt people will issue the most amount of hurt to others. It’s as simple as, hurt people hurt.
I write, with the gift of knowing the healing journey very intimately. I feel I am a pretty good authority of living with deep pain and coming through the other side. What I truly believe is that people are fundamentally good. But if they do bad things, it’s because they feel so, so bad within themselves. Most of the population cannot receive that information very well. They think that people that do bad things should be destroyed. Without a deep level of compassion and understanding for the victim and the perpetrator, we only feed the badness and create a frenzy. People who condemn usually believe in justice as an eye for an eye. In this case there is major commonality between the perpetrators and the condemners. Both of these are on the spectrum of deep hurt and neither of them realise.
When we focus on shaming, blaming, hurting and wishing suffering for others, we play into the story that developed the wounds which made these people perpetrators. In doing this we simply put energy into blaming, hurting, and suffering and as they say, where focus goes, energy flows. The only way to end the suffering, is by focusing on that which you want to see more of.
But we’re angry! So we have to find a way of expressing that anger and the easiest way is by issuing that anger onto a person that deserves it. We justify it because they did some really bad things. If we can’t pass on that anger, we are left holding it and it is uncomfortable and it makes us do regretful things, say regretful things and we realise that when we are angry, we hurt the people around us. See the cycle? The only way through this is to look at what that anger is representing. You have to turn the focus inward and that is a scary thing. When you can do that, you realise that what is at the core of it, is unresolved hurt. It’s not nice to look at because the reality is, the truth is scary and confusing. Especially when we realise that it has been there for a really, really long time.
The more lonely and self loathing you feel, the longer it takes and the harder it is for you to see that you deserve love. Your distortion of life will magnify. The more you will feel life and people around you hurting you and the more you will hate yourself. The more you hate yourself, the worse you become, the worse you treat yourself and the worse you treat others. This cycles is a feeding frenzy.
There are two people particularly that I know will be devastated by what I say. A beautiful friend Lucinda, and my cousin Marcus that I have looked up to my whole life. Both of these people love and adore Michael Jackson beyond what I ever did. I loved him as a man that represented my deep spiritual path. I loved him because his music made me feel alive inside and instigated so much self healing, so much hope for our future. I loved him. These two people love him more than that. I am so sad that what I am about to write could hurt them and that is not my intention.
This week I have been devastated because I watched the documentary and I know without a shadow of a doubt, these boys are speaking the truth. I never wanted to believe it myself because of my deep love for his words. I honestly believed he was equivalent to Jesus, speaking the sounds of our universe. I understand these boys inability to have understood before now just how badly abuse effects your life. So badly in fact, that you don’t even recognise your abuse as abuse.
Abuse is never identified as affecting you the way it does, so you don’t link the connecting behaviour. It is like a thick mask is placed on you and it distorts the connection you have with your behaviour and what you’re feeling. A person of deep level suffering, stemming from something significant happening in their life, will tend to be the last person to realise their behaviour or their feelings towards things is distorted.
What needs to happen, is a lot of healing. This healing is painful to step into. It changes who you are and the relationships you had. It changes the way you see the world and you can feel a lot of sorrow for the years you missed. That is if the pain is not too severe. Sometimes the deepest of pain and suffering is so bad, that a person is too far gone to respond. These people do really, really bad things or they hurt so deeply they destroy themselves.
One thing is very obvious, it’s undeniable to see a person who has moved beyond abuse. Who has looked at their demons face on and who is making peace with it. They have a language and a look that you recognise instantly when you see it. These two men Wayde Robson and James Safechuck have the language of a deep healing journey, and they have the look. They have been there and it was hidden to them for a long time. These young boys didn’t question it because they felt love. But they were hurt. I’m sad for them. I know the language they use, they have needed to speak up. They have needed to have their abuse acknowledged. It’s part of the healing process. Their bravery for not only acknowledging it within themselves but the suffering they had to experience to allow that to come to the surface, and on top of all of that, to put themselves out to public slaughter is beyond strength and bravery.
It’s hard to heal those completely deranged, they most likely will never be able to reveal the hidden trauma within themselves that would free their pain. To understand and have compassion for the fact that they too, were victims of abuse is fundamentally required if we are going to change to channel of abuse. Hating and burning them at the stake is not giving the opportunity to change the channel. It is simply feeding the beast that the cruelty of their world created. I don’t have an answer for this. I don’t have a solution as to what to do with these people. I know that they need to acknowledge it themselves for their own healing to take place but that may never happen.
Sometimes the judicial system seems to fail us. It is fair and just at it’s core but it is limited by our very differing sense of what is just. I think being just is to honour someone’s hurt and suffering. Michael Jackson is dead. Hating on him is not going to heal these young men and his other victims. That actually just feeds hate and anger. Likewise, loving him beyond wrongdoing does nothing for the words and the music he delivered.
Heal The World,
make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
We would acknowledge that no matter what, these boys deserve to be loved. Hating on them is not going to do anything. Don’t ignore the red flags because you are scared to let go of what he meant to you. It doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a part of him that wasn’t pure, that his words and his music weren’t powerful, that he was a genius, that he did make a difference to our lives with his music. I personally don’t know if I can listen to it in the same way or at all but I want to try at some point. We can acknowledge what he has meant to us and love him aside from the disturbed part of him. I believe we can do both. Because we need to do both for ourselves. We need to love the parts of us that we don’t think are loveable. This is the only way to reach self love.
He can continue to have changed your life. He did that to the young boys that I believe he truly loved. In his own, tortured, deluded way, he loved them. Because down to the very core of why he did this was the result of a man abusing him. He was deeply abused and his abuse should not be dismissed. His abuse distorted the connection between his hurt and his behaviour and it was so deep that he hurt on the deepest level a human could hurt another. A child.
We have been groomed as society to love ideals (False Idols). Footballers, Celebrity, Rap Artists, Men of the Cloth. Whatever we hold important, some kind of faith, we will allow that to make us star struck. If I adore something that brings me the promise of joy in life, I will push my natural instincts aside for what I believe it will bring. The amount of times I have fallen for men who I knew weren’t right for me because the idea of them was far more alluring than my instincts. It is happening everywhere. Things are so pretty, that we push aside our instincts. We also don’t speak up because there is not a clear enough understanding that abuse doesn’t necessarily mean violence.
We have to do better. We need to put that energy of loving things outside of ourselves and loving idols, second to loving ourselves. We have to realise that our happiness is not in insta-fame, it’s not in rubbing shoulders with celebrities, it is not in wealth, it is not in power, it is not in relationships. Happiness is in the relationship you have with yourself first and foremost. If that is not there, anything you chase outside of you will come at a very painful price.