The silence in the room tells me it’s time to write. And when I write…. I’m always sharing the deepest parts of myself because in these times, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would look at what was going on, and I would pay attention to the things in life it was teaching me, and I would cherish those moments. Not for the other people necessarily that could share them, but for the moments that continued to ripple through my existence and show me where little puddles of miracles were there for me to play in.
Some of them I chose to play in were very deep, and those ones left me the most uncomfortable. They left me cold, lonely and muddy. For a girl, that’s really uncomfortable. Some puddles, weren’t so deep. Maybe they could have been fun, but for whatever reason, I didn’t feel like playing so I never got my feet wet in those.
The ones, I seemed to hurt the most. I didn’t realise that for them, I was the deepest water. I don’t see myself as deep water. I see myself as nothing but support and love for the people around me.
What brings me to crisis of self is these people don’t understand who I am, but worse……. I allow them to let me question who I am. Worse, I question who I am. Christ Girl, don’t you know by now? At 40 years being with the same person. Would you not think that in the grand scheme of life, you would know the person you spent 40 years with? The truth is, I didn’t even try until about a year ago. I was so busy trying to figure out who everyone else was, it never occurred to me to figure out who I was.
Funny story that the more I figure out who I am, the more certain people fall away from my life. Also, the more you get to realise what you REALLY meant to a person.
Today I had a really brutal conversation with a man that has quite obviously cut me to the core. So, thank-you, “you know who you are” for this experience. Because it’s these experiences that make me put my money where my mouth is and I’m forced to deal with the issues in life that I probably run the furtherest from……….
What is it that I have done to other people.
I’m FABULOUS at filling the people in on life that have hurt me, but I’m not so great in fielding the favour when the spotlight has turned at me. In fairness to myself (I will give credit where credit is due), I haven’t ever heard of a person not happy with me! (Maybe because they are actually deeply afraid of me and the fact I might write about them)
This potentially is true, but in my defence, I may not be the hero you asked for!!!
Maybe I needed to be this obnoxious to have an “awakening”? Maybe the fact that I am the most unlikeliest person to have an “awakening” is perfect. Or perhaps because you can’t decide yourself if I’m crazy or brilliant concerns you. Maybe, and mostly, you’ve never given it a seconds thought and I have not even factored into your life. At least I know that 54 people think something of me! They are the ones that responded in acceptance of my birthday party next Saturday night.
My sister organised one for me. She did it, but made sure she checked it with me first. I don’t think anyone in my life is necessarily comfortable in predicting what I want, or what I’m ok in receiving. It must make it hard on the people around me when they have to ask if it’s ok if they do something really beautiful for me. I’m sorry I am like that.
I have pushed a lot of people away from me. I have done it a lot over the years because I’m not an enlightened being. I’m a human woman that changes her mind and her beliefs on a daily basis. I’m glad I do that because it took me a really long time to do it.
The person who has made me confront these feelings couldn’t have picked a better time. I’m going through what most would understand as a mid-life crisis. Now it’s nothing that is seeing me want to buy a Ferrari or sleep with a 21 year old. I could certainly do one of those things if I chose. One of them I just don’t have the money for it, the other, I have no desire. My ego doesn’t need a lover, my ego doesn’t need anything to tell me I’m fabulous. I know I’m fabulous!
So, I’ve been told that I’m a massive contradiction! This is not the first time I have heard this mind you. Because I share my words and thoughts so openly it really does leave you very open and vulnerable to people using things against you. I’m ok with that however because I am also at a place in my life where it shows more a reflection of them than it does on me. At the end of the day, I do contradict myself, all the fucking time. I am only human after all. I don’t claim that I am perfect and if someone has made the mistake of seeing me as perfect then I am surely going to fall so hard off that pedestal, that mind you I never put myself on.
Sure I am narcissistic. I think everyone is. I love for people to see me as some spiritual guru. My ego enjoys that immensely. But I’m also watching that part of myself and checking it on a daily basis. I have a person in my life that I watch as a reminder of what not to be in this space. She is a self claimed spirit leader and doesn’t mind posting selfies every single day and telling the world how enlightened she is. The “come with me followers and I’ll show you the way” cult bullshit that is so hot right now literally makes me sick to my stomach. I know beyond anything that no-one can take you anywhere! The second you buy into all of this crap, you are just a part of another ego’s identification of avoidance of self.
So when someone tells me I am a walking contradiction, I’m going to say GOOD!
Fucking good! Let me piss you off so much that you hate me that much and maybe then, maybe just then you will realise that hating me is not loving yourself. Maybe then you will wake the fuck up and realise that what you hate in me, is nothing to do with me. I have been pissed off at people before so many times because they didn’t live up to my standards. But I was the only one that missed out in the end because the only standard anyone needs to live by is their own.
I have friends of nearly 20 years that no longer want to be my friend because I am too much for them. I am always wanting to go deep into the depths of feelings and learnings and it’s really annoying and unbearable to be around me. I get it! It makes me sad because I don’t love them any less but I’m not going to hold that person accountable because they don’t want me in their life anymore. It’s their choice!
I have a very dear friend who was with me through some of my deepest realisations and healings of my most confronting pain, my childhood. She refuses to talk to me because when we were out together I didn’t give her my undivided attention. She saw me as a walking contradiction because I always want to talk to men. Fucking oath I always want to talk to men! I love men! I don’t get to meet them that often so when I meet someone I like, bet your arse I’m going to give them my attention. If that makes me a contradiction, GOOD! Because in this moment you showed me that you were always going to discard me the second I couldn’t live up to your expectations.
I have family members that won’t talk to me because I have wanted to go deep with them. I have wanted to frame a new way of life and family that is only of love. To do that unfortunately it has meant that there needs to be resolve. What I realise is that people don’t want resolve. People don’t want to open a space for healing and love. I do! I want it so much and I am willing to walk whatever path I need to for that to come through. Sometimes I have gotten it wrong, sometimes it has hurt and I accept that. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the possibility of having a new way of doing things.
As they say, you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
I take a lot of risks to love myself. There have been some casualties along the way because as life goes, our lessons are tied up very tightly with others. The ones that have hurt me so badly, I have used every single one of them to look deeper within myself. I have sometimes done embarrassing shit that I now cringe about because I tried to hold them accountable for my pain but the thing is, it’s my pain and NO-ONE is responsible for the way they make you feel except for YOU.
I may appear to be a contradiction, but I only have to be accountable for myself and I will always hold myself to this. I am more than happy and I am in fact delighted with my becoming.
Last night, I walked in the rain because I love walking in the rain! I used to always beg my mum to let me do it as a child. My sister Erin cried her eyes out one night because she remembered when I was a little girl sitting in the gutter with the water gushing down over my legs. She remembered looking at me and I was squealing with excitement. I love walking in the rain. And I stopped because I was so worried that people would think I was crazy.
So I walked home, in the rain. My hair was wet and instantly turned into the frizzy mess that I disguise on a daily basis. I came home, put on my favourite music, poured myself a glass of wine and I danced in my undies and a singlet with no bra! I do this ALL the time. I am free, I am proud and I LOVE my own company. My best nights have been on my own, listening to music and dancing.
I reflected on the things this person wrote to me. I then cried my eyes out for actually thinking that I had to profusely apologise to him because he loved me and I didn’t love him back. I tried to make him feel better, I tried to offering him healing but he hates me so much! His bitterness and anger towards me, the very reason why I could never see myself with him. His constant blaming that I didn’t care about him. What I cried for was that I was so busy trying to spin plates for him to ease his pain and the realisation that, it is not mine.
I realise when I have done that to others. I have made them responsible for my pain. But I forgive myself because this too is learned behaviour. I was always responsible for others pain, it makes sense that I would imitate that behaviour and play it out for a lifetime.
I will be 40 in one week. I have been battling with it because I am questioning whether I am enough, have been enough? I wonder why I haven’t been able to find love with another person in 16 years. 16 years ago if you told me I would be single still when I was 40 I would have definitely killed myself. It was the scariest thing in the world to me. I was broken hearted, my world collapsed around me and I spent a lot of energy desperately looking for a heart to heal mine. What I discovered was the most powerful healing is the one you give yourself. Another person can NEVER create the love within you that you need to give yourself.
Last night I danced and I cried and I let my heart burst so wide open for myself because I am so proud of the woman I have always been but have only realised I am.
I am a free, wild, loving, passionate, powerful, impulsive, compassionate, brave, daring, crazy, open, complex and beautiful woman. I am the embodiment and beauty of the ultimate feminine nestled in the human form.
This woman does not let another person tell her who she is.
I let the tears of this realisation spill on to my hands, I let it smear my face, I rubbed my tears deep into my skin and then I went into the mirror and took a photo of myself so I would remember this for the rest of my life.
I am 40 and I am a FUCKING GODDESS.
A palm reader said to me last week, “Nothing can destroy you, you are indestructible”. I wasted $40 for 10mins to have someone tell me what I am more than aware of. I have gone places where most people in life have never dared to journey! Into myself.
So to the man that told me I am arrogant and conceited to the core……
Hope you can do the same for yourself. It’s a shame that he informed me he was deleting me off Facebook because he won’t be able to see just how deeply I am going to show my arrogance and conceit! Thank-you for being a puddle I could play in. Thank-you for giving me the reflection of myself that I have been. And thank-you for stepping out of my life because I know when that happens, the lesson and reflection has come to it’s completion.
Thank-you for being a gift to me!