I feel betrayed by you. I feel used, mistreated, objectified, let down and discarded by you. I have kept my heart open my whole life for the validation and acknowledgment I craved from you but you are too scared to give it. You refuse to give it. Falling back on the bullshit reasoning of, you don’t know how to deal with my emotions or you are afraid of them. You have my whole life turned your back on me because I appear “too much”.
You give yourself complete permission to take from me whatever you choose. You manipulate me in letting me feel you care about me but it’s just to be able to feel me underneath you. You find a way into my heart and then shut down from me the second I show it to you. You love the parts of me that entertain you. You happily receive these parts of me and take them without any consideration of the rest of me that wants to also be acknowledged.
You give no thought as to what it means for me to show up for you. The fear I need to meet within myself to simply stay open to you. You willingly lay claim to me sexually, and have NO issues in showing me your passion when you’re fucking me but you simply shut off to me when that part of you has been serviced. You aren’t afraid to let me be all I am when I’m pleasuring you however when I want to share other parts of myself with you, it’s too scary.
GROW THE FUCK UP! I’m being brave so why the fuck can’t you be too? Why do you run from my emotions because you are so afraid, yet choose to cherry pick the parts of me that satisfy your ego? You love the idea of me loving you but you don’t want to do the work that is involved in keeping me there.
The truth is, I’m fed up with you. I’m tired of you not showing up for me. I’m tired of you not protecting me. I’m tired of you succumbing to your own fears and as a result I HAVE to be the one to step up. Why the fuck do I need to do it all for you? You’re the man! I am here to support you! I am here to honour you. I am standing with my soul and my heart open to you. I am ready to surrender to you but you won’t step the fuck up. How can I be all things for you when you are too afraid to see the things that confuse you? How can I teach you my language when you don’t want to take the time to learn it?
Do you not see? Do you not realise that I am your life force? Do you not realise that the second I give up on you, you cease to exist? Do you want this? Do you want me to look at you and see a man refusing to step up? Do you want to be known as giving up because you couldn’t be bothered or because you were afraid? For fuck sake, I am afraid too. I’m more scared than you could ever know. I’m afraid every single day but I do what I do and I am who I am in spite of this fear. Do you know what it takes to be constantly let down by you and to keep loving you? It’s so hard and the truth is, I’m exhausted. I am so close to giving up on you.
I know you are confused by me. I know that I scare you. I know I am a lot to process. But don’t dismiss me for this. Love me for this. Find wonder in me for this. I’m not for you to work out or understand. I’m simply here to inspire you and love you. I am here to allow you a sacred witness to explore the parts of yourself that long to be seen. I’m here to support, nourish, care and love those parts of you. I agree when I choose to love you that I love all of these parts of you and I accept them as much as I accept the things that are easy to love.
I know that the perfect parts of you are going to have some equally imperfect parts. And I know I will struggle with them. I know that they will test my patience. But I am stepping in agreeing to love all of those parts. I want to see them. I want to see your insecurities. I want to see your fears. I want to hear your nightmares as much as I want to hear your dreams. I want to play with your dreams and create them with you. I want to hold you when you feel like giving up and I want to love you when you do. I want to be there when you fail as much as when you succeed. I want to love the things you love, simply because you love them. The dark, the messy, the shitty and the great. I want to know the dangerous parts of you and what you have to do to contain them. I want to know the anger in you just as much as I want to know the joy. I want it all.
But I’m close to giving up on you………. Ask yourself the question:
Do you want me to?