The First Man

I received a message from someone in my past recently. A man that I dated briefly a few years back. It ended really abruptly as most of my relationships do. This man and I had a very brief yet very powerful connection. It was an incredible learning experience for me. The abruptness of the ending was disappointing to say the least however, I am very used to this. Anything that opens your heart and exposes love will equally expose the insecurities and protections that you have built from your past experiences of love. Reminders of past hurts that forced this protection in the first place are brought to the surface which creates a battlefield of self doubt and fear. Being loved and loving someone requires an internal anchoring of all of these emotions and the ability to harmoniously balance them.

The message I received from this person was simply, you were right, I ran. The memories of our experience flooded back to me. His was one of the most romantic, sweetest heart opening experiences I have had. I remember after our first date not being able to sleep because this pounding in my heart was so intense.

I recognised and felt the delicateness of his heart straight away. It was certainly one of the things that attracted me the most and I recognised it was so much like mine. I knew that he needed gentleness, space and understanding so I tried to allow that whilst not compromising my needs in the process. I was going through a pretty intense time in life at that point also so things were really scary for me. Having this romantic experience offered an incredible allure of distraction from how tough things were for me however I did not want to project my neediness onto this and it ruin what I believed was something really special.

I needn’t have worried so much as our relationship was never going to lift off irrespective of the potential it had to be quite incredible. People are navigating their own demons and fears and it was just not meant to be. Sad and disappointing but I would rather have the opportunities to feel these things than not, irrespective of the outcome.

Getting his message was validating. We communicated for a bit after that and he had confessed to me that at the time he was falling in-love with me and all that this brought to the fore for him. I totally get it. He was still healing from his own experience of betrayal and here is the risk of being betrayed again. No-one wants to put themselves in a position where something can kill them and Loving another can certainly do that, it has done the same for me so I get it.

Messages flew back and forth, memories of our experience together were shared and he acknowledged that if he had his chance with me again, he would not be letting me go. Now, for any woman to hear this is like liquid gold oozing all over her heart. It took any sting from the abruptness of it ending and transformed it back to the magic of those heart feelings.

For me, I will always explore feelings. It has always yielded the best growth for me. I will never turn away at something that has the possibility of being Love but I will do my due diligence to see if it is or isn’t. I think a lot of things can be disguised as love but all they are is a desperate need for attachment and trying to create something beautiful in a dull and empty moment. I have been guilty of this before and maybe I still am but I would rather follow the rabbit hole and be wrong than not try. I’m an eternal romantic however I am discerning. I will very easily open my heart but if I see that it is not being honoured, I will close the door. This has come from too many years of keeping the door open to the wrong people.

This man lives in the UK now and very quickly we concluded that for the right reasons, he may move back to Australia. Well naturally I feel like I am a good enough reason as any and I am keen to explore that. As long as two people are not giving up important parts of their journey’s to be together, I am all for compromise. We both agree to meet in Bali, but I am uncertain as to what this actually is. This is exciting, and scary, and it is a lot of effort. All which I am willing to work through, however, I need to make sure that whatever muddiness that was there before has been cleared up. I want to know that I can trust him. I’m on high alert as he is not the first man to profess these feelings to me with no intention of actually holding himself to his words. I want to believe him, but I want to feel that he is accountable for what he is saying to me.

And this is where it ended. His messages then turned from proclamations of his feelings towards me, if I had my chance again I would not let you go etc to I am not that good with messaging, my life is busy, I don’t even respond to my mum.

So as it turns out the conversation didn’t need to be had. All of the muddiness was still there. The announcements of how much he had realised and all of this regret and love he had was just a clinging to something that felt safe. A clinging to a memory that felt real because very little else does. I was a representation of his longing for something more. His longing being the thing that he desires most because when faced with a yes, how quickly he resorts back to his old unresolved feelings and behaviours of shutting down. The very thing that he had told me was a behaviour of the past.

I want to put aside now what is going on for him because I am all too willing to be looking for compassion and understanding in other people’s behaviour. I am so guilty of putting my own feelings aside to better understand what is going on for another. I am going to get very real with what this does to me and how it increasingly pushes me into my own experience of shut down. Shut down in myself and the acknowledgment of my own feelings. I am taking off my diplomatic hat and I am going to simply be real with my feelings which are equally as relevant and EQUALLY as fragile as the next person’s. The difference with my fragility is that I am very fucking good at managing it. I take full responsibility for myself in every single experience. I am a master at this however it does not mean that I don’t feel the hurt and disappointment.

How dare you come into my world and say these things that evoke all my richest and most precious feelings without any willingness to hold yourself accountable to them. How dare you come to me seeking a fulfilment of yourself disguised in the honouring of my heart. How dare you evoke the feelings and heart connection of a woman that was willing to open to you without any intention of putting her as your priority. How dare you say if you had the chance again you would not let me go because you have a second chance, right now. Are you lying or did you say things in a moment that you thought you meant but that was only when you didn’t have to be held accountable for them? What did you think I would do? Did you not think I would be affected by this?

I am very rapidly becoming apathetic towards men. I am close to shutting down to men all together because I am finding it increasingly difficult to believe them. Their words empty because the behaviour is nothing short of minimising. All I see is men running from love. The second it gets real going back to the old ways of shutting down. My own father, the king of shutdown from love. Having a daughter like me is difficult. Loving a woman like me is absolutely difficult. Because I will command your heart stay open to me. I will push you when you are falling short. I will command the best from you and call you on your shit when you are not giving it because I chose to Love you. Because I know that you thrive when you are your best. Because you deserve to feel the richness of life and I know that when you are shut down to me, you will start to decay and that mouldiness is going to infiltrate my light and my love. I have ZERO desire to allow your fears to control me. I will love you, so deeply, so fully. I will honour you and grow with you. I will look at myself when I am being less than and I will do what it takes to be the best for you. And if you are willing to put your hand up to love someone like me, I am not going to allow you to come in and fuck up my precious world. I am going to hold you accountable to it.

You hurt me, with your silence. If you can’t be bothered then don’t bother. But not bothering means when your heart yearns the fulfilment that you know you can access from me, it will not be given until you are ready to do what it takes. I am telling you now that what you have done is a shitty, shit thing. I don’t want you to float in and out of my life dropping a crumb and expecting me to act as though it is enough. I’m sorry but this bullshit of, I’m not great with messaging is just a lame excuse for, I’ve got what I wanted, my cup is full now, thanks for giving me my ego boost and now I’ll leave you to deal with the mess. FUCK THAT! If you are going to initiate these feelings, you are going to feel my wrath from your insensitivity. I give you full permission to watch from the sidelines. You can be an observer into my world but unless you are willing to do what it takes, you don’t get to participate.

I hope this scares you, I hope this makes you angry. I hope you regret reaching out to me again. I want you to feel this shit deep in you because that is what you have dumped on me. You have hurt my heart. You lifted my heart because that is the power you have. You have an incredible ability to evoke feelings in me. I live for this stuff. I live to feel the intimacy of a great man who has the capacity to love me and who cherishes me. I long to have a man who is not scared to love me, who will not be afraid of me. I long to feel safe enough with a man so that I don’t have to be this strong all the time. I don’t want to hate men, I don’t want to feel apathy towards them. I don’t want to be angry with them.

You are a powerhouse. Your soul is so sensitive and deep, it is your pain and it is your power. I see it and I have been so gentle and respectful of this. For this and this alone, I deserve much more respect and consideration than you have shown me.

So now that I have acknowledged this situation for what it is, I have to dig deep into myself and discover, what is it I’m running from?

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